Tell me, though, in all seriousness, how the frack do you guys buy bread and milk in this country? I mean talk about choices. I came to the US in 99. I landed in Augusta, GA, coz I had an uncle there. seriously though that is the only reason I went, i thought i might spend a week in "Augusta" to acclimate myself to "America" before I went to school in "Portland" But that is another story... I digress.
Choices! the first day I was in Augusta my Uncle pointed out the local grocery store in case I wanted to explore, and left for work. Feeling high and mighty with my new found independence and a few crisp dollars in my pocket I walked to the store to buy some Milk and Bread. Don't ask me why. I cant really tell why I chose to buy Milk and Bread and not Bread and Cheese, or Cheese and Milk, or Ham for a sandwich, I dont know, I just wanted to get some Milk and Bread. So i enter the store on my M&B expedition and go to the aisle that said "Breads" it didn't say "Bread" it said "BreadS" Now, I guess that should have given me some indication of what lay ahead, but come on, I am foreign...OK OK, so I walked down the aisle and stopped in front of this shelf of bread that was so large it would have left Stephen Hawking speechless. (I tried to make a joke, but i don't really get it) Seriously though? the choices of bread? I mean Wheat, whole wheat, white, brown, 7 grain, multi grain, honey and oat, oat and honey, sourdough, Italian, potato bread (seriously what the frig is potato bread?) How can you expect me to know what kind of bread I want? I am a little boy from India whos cook gave him either a white bread sandwich (which i loved) or Brown bread sandwich (which I loathed) So, I press the button for help, and along comes this very flamboyant helper boy guy, who may have immediately wanted to make me his flamboyant helper boy guy, and asks me what I need. And this is what I say "Um, I would like some bread for a sandwich" At which point two things happened. One, I saw myself looking at myself and thinking "man what a dumb foreign thing to say", and two I saw him looking at me and thinking "man what a dumb foreign thing to say... at least he is pretty." Actually I made that last part up, I am not sure he found me attractive, I may have not been flamboyant enough, either way never let the truth get in the way of a good story. So he says "What type of bread would you like" and I say "what is the normal kind?" and he says "I guess white" and I say "white it is." and with that he was gone. Well after a little dancy twirl thingie he was gone.
I now had my bread, and was on the Milk part of the agenda. I walked up to the cold part of the store presuming the dairy would be there (we foreigners aren't all that useless) and there they were. All the fracking Milks ever made in the world, right there in the frigid section of this store in Augusta, and I thought to myself- assfrack! Whole milk, two percent milk, one percent milk, vitamin D milk, skim milk, low fat milk... tell me America what is the difference between 1% milk and 2% milk. (actually as I ask that, the answer is obvious) But still! So, I press the button hoping its not Flamboyant boy and of course there he is twirling away in the next aisle coming to help me with my conundrum. And I say "Um I would like some milk" At this point two things happen... actually nothing happens, he just says "what kind of milk" and I say "what is the normal kind" and he says "Um I guess Whole" and I say "A Whole it is" I really did say that you know, I really did say "A whole it is" which probably sounded like "A Hole it is" What a dummy dumb dumb.
Bread in hand, Check. Milk in hand, Check. I paid the cashier and with a not so glamourous twirl, Pirouetted my way into the parking lot and eventually to Portland... and Philly... and DC.... and New York... but that is another story.
Oh I forgot to say-- I always forget where to put the ' in the word doesn't.