Tuesday, June 23, 2009

My First Time.

This has been a long time coming, I guess. I have always wanted an avenue through which I would speak and people would listen. Although in this case I wouldn't really be speaking, I would be typing. I have heard however that in speaking, thoughts are half muttered. Not to follow a however with a however, but, however I also feel that between the time it takes my brain to tell my fingers what to type, I somehow lose some sense of where I was going. "Clever" I think to myself, only for it to look like some form of garbled verbal diarrhea (it took me four tries to correctly spell that word, even then i cheated, i looked it up) when it appears on paper. So here we are on my Blog that is stuck in between thoughts half muttered and half typed. 

I was going to write about my first time. I really was. But to be honest I don't feel much like writing about sex today. I usually do, I think it is the one thing that gets people going universally. If you offer a soldier the option to shoot their worst enemy or fulfill their greatest fantasy, something tells me they would choose the latter. then again I am not really well versed in the art of war or killing of enemies. So I guess I cant really say. I just know that I would always choose sex over war. Anyway, I dont really feel like discussing war or sex. 

You see, today a dear friend of mine lost her mother. She died of a rare disease. A year ago her mother was a healthy loving mother of three. today she is gone. In the last year this horrible degenerative disease that affects one in a million people caught hold of her body and killed her. So, today I cannot think about anything but that. Death, memory, passing on, missing someone. When tragedies happen, people often look for faith or religion. God has a plan, or all this is in the hands of God. But for me, these are the hardest times to believe in God, and religion has no meaning to me when someone is so prematurely robbed of their lives. I am a spiritual person, i believe in Karma, and peace and universal love, and I believe there are other forces at work other than rational human thought, and you can call that Jesus or Allah or Krishna, I dont care, but I do believe we are brought together by some higher power. But all this is so questionable when talking about tragic death. I dont really want this to be about religion I am just trying to find the answer to quell the hurricane in my heart, this ever weaving of sadness and hurt. And the truth is, I am not sure that I have the answer, actually I am not sure anyone does. 

I once had my heart broken and was so quickly stripped of this person in my life that it felt like they had died. And I did nothing to deserve it. I remember feeling like I was going to throw up all the time. Nothing felt good, food lost all taste, every smile was fake, I found myself floating through this world disconnected from everything around me. And you know what? Soon, well not that soon, but after a while, I got better.  Time went by and I started feeling ok again. So, I think that time really is a healer. People really can move on, Life does really go on and on and on. That's it, time helps heal. Feelings of sadness and loneliness give way and the memories that made us laugh push forward through the drunken fog of remorse, because no one can take memories away from you. they are safe, formed in the very glue that bonded them to your heart, stuck, like the good kind of stuck. And that, there in the memory of your loved one is where your happiness will lie, that is where you will always find your cuddle on a cloudy day, or your long talk over hot chocolate, or your kiss in the rain, or your mothers arms holding you through the night, while the whole world called you ugly.  

I am not sure that anyone will ever come here and read this, I hope they do. Actually now that I am famous, a lot of people will probably read this. Either way if you do, please take this day to remember how lucky we are to be alive. Use this abundance of life to spread love, kindness and peace. 

Contrary to my brother's belief that I am writing a blog to get laid, I just have to say, I am not.


  1. We really are lucky and blessed today aren't we. I am so sorry for your friend. I am glad that she has you to help see her through this.

    Good luck with this blog...you will find that blogging gets very addictive!!

  2. Thanks princess for the first ever comment on my blog!

  3. I'll read and comment to your blog! =D
    Love your work as an actor in The Big Bang...

    keep writting, I hope so much people follow you! =D

  4. Like you need a blog to get laid ! Nice to read more than tweets from you though.

  5. A very beautiful first post and I totally agree.

    Also: "Contrary to my brother's belief that I am writing a blog to get laid, I just have to say, I am not." - What kind of blogs has your brother been reading to make him think that?! lol

  6. Oh and, might I add, LOVE this profile pic!!!

    WV: singwel

    I kid you NOT!

  7. Good luck for the blog :) it was very touching!

  8. Thanks for writing this tonight. I feel like I needed to read it. Ive been up all night losing a lot sleep because i've been worried about my best friend who tried taking his own life on Saturday. i was up all night/morning with him in the hospital over the weekend. After reading this I don't feel quite as alone in my thoughts. And as for the broken heart. Im sorry. I know how that feels for the first time in my life. And everyone kept telling me "time heals all" and I didn't believe them. It's been almost a year and i feel that i'm just now feeling...as if im finally falling out of love with this person. its a little scary to be honest cause i think we hold on. i liked having someone to miss. But you are right...time does heal. As interested as I am to hear all about that first time, (and i totally am, i know its gonna be a great story) im really happy to have read this tonight. Made me feel at ease tonight, knowing someone else is out there also lost in their head. Thank you for that pumpkin. and now....to watch a romantic comedy and sigh a lot. :)

  9. That's very sad to hear about your friend's mother. It must be so hard for her, and for all of you, since grief ripples out to everyone when something like this happens. Do you know the band Antony and the Johnsons? Your post reminded me so much of this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8b5HHRT8xvw

  10. Very sorry to hear of your loss. Thank you for sharing in your blog. I do think that blogs are addictive and a way to say things you might not feel comfortable with saying in person. Thank you also for your work on Big Bang, laughter is a beautiful thing. You are healing people with laughter each week. Be well.

  11. You definitely can write more than 140 words - and brilliantly too. Thank you for sharing something so personal with all of your fans. I look forward to reading more!

  12. Well said.
    We face many challanges of varying magnitudes in our daily lives. None of which are easy, but there is always a lesson if your eyes and heart are open.

  13. Sorry to hear about your friend's loss. "Hurricane in my heart," that's very poetic & appropriate, I think.

  14. It is so nice to read something you say without any formulas or equations in it. Yo're really talented. You can be sure Ill keep reading this.

    Also, I don't think you need a blog to get laid, you're cute without it too ;)

    Greatings from Argentina, XOXO

  15. I am sorry to hear of your friend's loss, it's terrible in any sense.

    You have written some very beautiful and touching words here, and I thank you. I hope all goes well for you.

  16. Blogging is extremely addictive... I'm on livejournal though lol so I had to follow through my gmail account... maybe have another one somewhere.

    Firstly, so sorry about your friend's loss! What a terrible thing to have happen, to anyone! :-/

  17. Thank you for sharing your thoughts during such a raw time. My prayers are for your friend, her family, and all those whose lives were touched by her mother... May your spirit find peace amidst the maelstrom of emotions.

  18. Wasn't expecting such deep thoughts in a first blog! I'm sorry for your friends loss, she's lucky to have a friend like you by her side right now.

    On another note, did you remind your brother that all you need to do to get laid is say "I'm on tv" ? (That's true right?)

  19. Thanks for your blog, I think that is a nice way to show the feelings and tell the world what you have to say! Regards from Spain!

  20. I always find it facinating reading blogs. I feel that people are a lot more truthful when it is over things like this. When I type blogs I find myself rambling about whatever I'm thinking about at the moment.

    Thanks for starting a blog and talking about what's going on with you :) I'm sure now that you're a celebrity you're going to get all kind of visits.

  21. Very well done, pal. Much better than 140 characters.
    Spread the love.
    Xxx C.

  22. Well done. I am sorry to hear of your loss and also your friends loss. Time does heal and it feels like it takes forever. My boyfriend lost his brother a few months ago and he was only 27. The only thing you can think of to try and make sense of it at the time is that God needed him. Your friend is very lucky to have a friend like you because they will need to be surrounded by friends and family to get through such a tragic loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your friend, and their family. Time will heal the pain.

  23. Hi Kunal!

    First of all, welcome to the world of blogging! ;) I am the kind of person who rants on, which is why Twitter just isn't for me, but I love to blog about all of my thoughts and share with the world all of the things that I reflect upon.

    Your post today is wonderful and inspiring. I personally had a lot of trouble getting out of bed today and getting up and moving. So much work and stress and I am so tired due to all of it. But you are right, it is a gift in and of itself to be alive. Thank you.

    Hope to hear more from you!

  24. Keeping a journal, whether it be a blog or good ol' fashioned pen and paper, is the best way I've found so far to get all my jumbled thoughts out of my jumbled head and into something that makes at least a little bit of sense. Even so, I feel like it's always not quite what you're really thinking, but saying it out loud is half of that, so journaling it is (side note: took the name of my blog from The Big Bang Theory--kudos to you guys for being awesome).

    I'm sorry for your friend's loss. Life is so incredibly, and in such instances, terribly, messy, but you're right about memories, we can keep the ones we love with us.

    So glad to have found your blog early on before a zillion people start to read it; keep it up, the honesty is refreshing.

  25. Welcome! Keep writing and ask Sheldon to do the same :)

  26. Your blog is quite a nice one. It is good to see that you want to use your fame not only for personal gain but to spread words of love, peace and kindness. We need as much of those as we can get in this world.

    Thank you.

  27. I would like to add my voice to those wishing condolences to your friend, but my primary reason for commenting is to thank you for being another individual who has proven to me that the faces on my television have people behind them, people who have depth of thought and character beyond what is scripted for their on-screen personas.

    And contrary to what your brother may think, I'm quite certain you don't need a blog to get laid.

  28. Thank you so much for this first entry.

    I get a lot of verbal diarrhea when I write too, i dont feel as if I'm making any sense... but I don't care, because I write for me, and writing always makes me feel better, no matter how sad I feel. I feel it just takes away some of the weight and sorrows I'm carrying off of my shoulders.

    I hope this first post has made you feel a little bit better, even if you don't find the answers you are looking for right away.

    I'm really sorry for you and your friend's loss. My prayers go to the family of your friend and to all of those who were ever touched by her heart and were lucky enough to meet her. She rests in peace and in a better place now. Bless her.

    Thank you for sharing such deep thoughts with your fans. This is the key to your success and the reason why everywone loves you, because of your kindness, honesty, and down to earthness. It must not be an easy thing to share, but it's nice to see a celebrity wanting a more intimate contact with their fans, and sharing their thoughts with them truly is a fan's dream. Thank you for trusting us with your feelings.

    May you be well, and please keep on delightning us with your talent. You are loved. God bless you.

    Bisous from France!

  29. I understand completely what you mean about doubting a higher power when someone you care a lot about dies. While I am not very spiritual, there must be something out there bigger than us, right? Maybe that something isn't as nice or holy as we would like to think. Or maybe not as powerful, as to be able to stop tragedies from happening. That being said, I hope you feel better soon, and that your friend is able to heal as time goes by.

  30. i dunno..i did not follow anything from your blog..only thing i wanna see is u writing "thanks tarun.thanks for ur comment :p"

  31. Man, I was all set to rip on you for writing some narcissistic diarrhea (first try!), but then you had to write something heartful and meaningful.


    Anyway, I hope you feel better about it all soon. Personally I don't believe there's any kind of god with any kind of rational plan for the world, and all the proof I need of that the loss of someone close, someone who was beloved by many, before their time. I've been through it and there's no good reason for it and it's not part of any plan. It just sucks. But it sounds like you've got a good grasp on where true happiness comes from, and knowing there's a light at the end of the tunnel makes it much easier to find it.

    Look forward to seeing you when you get back!

  32. Yeah... we're so lucky and most of us don't really care about it. It's a shame!

    Hi from Brazil! We love you :)

  33. I can't look at the beauty that is everywhere and not think there is some kind of higher being. It can't be all science. We are lucky to be alive. I have taken the summer off to explore me and to make a memorable summer for my kids. I want them to remember a wonderful 3 month. I hope that we all learn something.

  34. Kunal--thanks for this blog. I pray that your heart will find peace in the lose of your friend and that the memories of her will forever be written on your heart. I am looking forward to many more words of wisdom, verbal diarrhea or what ever format you choose to write.

  35. It just shows ya, i've been miserable over work, and life in london can get lonely, yet something like this puts things into perspective. Look after and care for the people you do have while you have them. My condolences to your friend and her family at this upsetting time.

  36. "MY FIRST TIME; can mean the world to anyone--MFT i met the DALAI LAMA here in seattle, or AMMA the hugging saint, i felt valued and wanted. MFT i had a broke heart...I felt pain and loneliness. But woke up everyday and said its my day. MFT i felt loss, my father died, That hurt imensely. But as i cried and wondered what next.I relized that everyday their is a new my first time. MY time to face death beacame easier with loved ones and friends.We are all "FIRST TIMERS" and it is our small respomsilbilty to lend a hand or a shoulder to those who are going thru there FIRST TIME.Everyday is a first time,,,,we make the choice of going threw that magical door and say WOOHOO Another first time...good to see ya..

    (ok cheesy i know)
    LOVE, NAMASTE, have a glorious day

  37. I want you to know
    one thing.

    You know how this is:
    if I look
    at the crystal moon, at the red branch
    of the slow autumn at my window,
    if I touch
    near the fire
    the impalpable ash
    or the wrinkled body of the log,
    everything carries me to you,
    as if everything that exists,
    aromas, light, metals,
    were little boats
    that sail
    toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

    Well, now,
    if little by little you stop loving me
    I shall stop loving you little by little.

    If suddenly
    you forget me
    do not look for me,
    for I shall already have forgotten you.

    If you think it long and mad,
    the wind of banners
    that passes through my life,
    and you decide
    to leave me at the shore
    of the heart where I have roots,
    that on that day,
    at that hour,
    I shall lift my arms
    and my roots will set off
    to seek another land.

    if each day,
    each hour,
    you feel that you are destined for me
    with implacable sweetness,
    if each day a flower
    climbs up to your lips to seek me,
    ah my love, ah my own,
    in me all that fire is repeated,
    in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
    my love feeds on your love, beloved,
    and as long as you live it will be in your arms
    without leaving mine.

    Pablo Neruda

  38. Very beautiful post, and I'll definitely follow your blog.

    Ciao ;)


  39. I do not speak English, I hope that I can understand

    Es dificil seguir cuando alguien se nos va, nosotros queremos morir junto a ella, pero hay que ser fuerte para seguir, porque siempre tenemos a alguien que depende de nosotros y nos hace la vida feliz, aunque nos cueste.
    Te agradesco por lo escrito, dan fuerzas para seguir viviendo y agradecer lo que nos rodea.

  40. My husband is terminally ill and I think, a lot, about last summer and how great it was before his diagnosis in September.

    I follow you on Twitter (as susangpyp) because I'm a huge BBT fan but this post is so touching. Thank you for reminding us to appreciate the people we know and how precious our time is when we are together.

  41. Unlike the many blogs out there, yours is relatable. I saw a quote today hanging in the window of a local cafe which I think fits nicely in response to your first post. "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle" -Plato

    Thank you for your honesty.

  42. My mom is sick..she's dying from a degenerative disease called Steele-Richardson. and i just cant deal with it. everyday i see her getting worst and im only 20 and i dont know if i'll be able to handle it.. i just cant imagine her gone, leaving me and my dad all alone. thank you so much for your post, this is the first time that i can talk about it and it's kind of a relief. when i feel like i'm dying from the inside, i watch your show and i feel a little better. so please keep making me laugh because some sad day, i'll need it.
    SimpleGeraldine (twitter).

  43. I just want to say that i'm a fan that will follow your blog!

  44. Oh, also, I just wanted you to know HOW POPULAR you are. Seriously. All I keep hearing from BBT fans is how much they love Raj/Kunal, aww. :)

  45. Hi Kunal. Sorry to hear about your loss. And I agree that time does heal a person, especially if the person is willing to be healed wholly.

    Welcome to blogging, by the way! Great writing, too. Keep it up! :)

  46. I agree with others who said that writing helps. I was happy and doing well when I started my first blog (which led to a book deal) but my second blog, about my husband's illness, is for pouring out my heart and soul.
    I've received so much support there from people I don't even know. It's wonderful.

    Glad you are blogging. Hope you are doing better today. Enjoy your time in Delhi!

  47. I do think that writing in any form provides a tremendous amount of catharsis, and that can't be replicated by other mediums of expression. Word vomit, to me, is something so necessary, especially when experiencing pain or pleasure, or both. In any case, thank you for your words and tweets. You're quite loved. I hope you are having a wonderful time at home; wish I were there drinking nariyal paani and eating chaat... Mangos in LA don't come close.

  48. Thank you so much for sharing with us today.

    I know first hand that every day is a gift. I'm 34. Last year I suffered a heart attack. It's been a long road and I'm still not recovered. But I am thankful every day for being here, with my friends and family.

    I look forward to reading more of your posts. You write very well. And I do have to agree with the beginning part of your post. Sex is one of the things that does get everyone going universally (swing by my profile and visit Mizadventurez. You'll love it).

    Giant hugs wherever you may be.

  49. I just happened upon this blog by accident. I am a huge fan of the show and of you, but basically just stumbled on this site. I am grateful that I did. The line about having your heart broken because you were stripped of someone so quickly it felt like that person died, when you didnt do anything to deserve it...is exactly what I am going through right now. So I take comfort that I am not the only one who has gone through such pain and sadness. I do feel like its a death, can't eat, can't sleep, can't focus on what I need to focus on, can't imagine a day when I will feel ok, smile again, trust again.... But youve been through it and there is hope. Time is a healer. Thank you so much for sharing.

    Love you

  50. I am so sorry for your loss. I don't have any big words of wisdom on how you come to terms with the death of a friend or a loved one. I lost my mom almost four years ago. She fought breast cancer for 16 years. She took something bad that happened to her and turned it into something good by helping other women just like herself. She even won awards for it. Anyway, when things took a turn and we all knew it was coming, you would think we were prepared. Just so you know, you are NEVER prepared. I miss my mom every day, but it does get easier. I don't know how it does, but it does get easier. And I like to think and believe that God or Allah or Krisna or whatever name you use for Him has a hand in that. Death is hard, no matter if you had a personal relationship with the person or not. I hope you will keep blogging and that you will find some peace in dealing with your friend's death.

  51. Was years ago when I lost my grands. My last two grandads died in just a month. Is so sad, so crucial, that makes you think about all the things you will not say them again. They were my "teachers" in many aspects of my life, and even when the years had past I still miss them. And I will.
    No matter what you´re religion is, or if you belie in a god, in many of them or in no one. Always is too much hard.
    When it happends to someone that is not old is more shoching even.
    I´m soo sorry about what happend to your friend and I know that there is no words to relive the pain for it, only the time can heal the pains. And always tha scars will be then.
    But things like that should make us to remember to we must seize the moment, say to the people we love all we feel, and make every second counts in our life time.
    A big huge Kunal, for you and your friend.

  52. I´m sure you won´t read this, it´s my first time in this blog and the post is old -.-"
    Anyway, I just wanted to send one big kiss to you and your friend.
    My mother died of cancer after three years fighting it. It hurts so much, like everytime you feel you´ve lost a special person for you, but one day you wake up and you know you must go on, because the world keeps on going around with or without you.
    I respect every way of thinking, but because of many things I don´t believe so much in religion, I know that many people (between they my mother did)comes to religion as a last resort, but I think I couldn´t do that after all I´ve lived and seen.
    You say that we have to apreciate our lifes... I´d like to have had the choice to choose between the life of my mother or mine, I don´t like to live in this world. I´m lucky to can read people than you, it may change a little bit my point of view (but just a little bit ;) )
    Thank you for reading me, if you do. Lots of kisses, I´ll be there for you if you want to